Over the years I'm getting better at working out the right course of action from the wrong. What I don't always appear to be able to do, is take the best course.
And that is why I am going to ache all day tomorrow and the next day but achieve no general physical or psychological benifit for my troubles.
Not to worry, tonight's my night off, so i better go do something real.

Believe it or not, I cannot do cyrptic cross words to save my soul. The theory behind them is sound. Break down language into a code and get your victim to reassemble it. Its an appealing weekend pastime.
Lazily slide out of bed on a sunday morning. I mean a proper streching slide, where my torso stays in contact with the bed as my hips hook off the edge and cut obliquely down the side as my toes scratch along the carpet. Elongating every muscle as I go. Thats the only proper way to get out of bed of a sunday...
Sneak downstairs ninja style, because having to talk to anyone would contaminate the ritual. Put the kettle on. Before it whistles appropriate the crossword section from the paper ( kindly donated by earlier sunday morning risers) . Trial three biros before I find one that works. Take tea and crossword to my desk and be victimised by 1 across.
Having the mystifying become clear, one a week, every week.
But I just can't do them.

I'm not usually known for my materialism.
But I crave
and I dream
of blue patent leather ballets pointes with midnight ribbons.
But they don't exist and never have existed in the history of the world.

Ah, Han you weren't actually meant to be reading this one...
I made the other one expressly for you.

You Could Just Love me

You could just love me you know, and do simple things like respond to messages and try to understand me. Would it be sooo damn hard. Okay, i admit i'm as attention seeking as the next girl, I am not beyond that. I hear a plane flying over head now and its after midnight and i have to get up early tommorrow, and i'm a little intoxicated. I've been jumping at ever text message i get get hoping its you. My mates have been making fun of me, I want to drown in some cold salty water, but i cant cos i have to teach in the morning.

Please dump me or love me,

Dust in the Wind

Think how crazy it is to expect somebody who can't look after themselves to succeed in looking after someone else. Isn't it irresponsible?
I really don't think my egg noodles will be up to your liking.
In fact what do you see here at all?
Especially what's this 'us' part?

No pressure, I can swing either way on the topic. You know that by now.
I'm really just interested in what you have to say about it all.

Love your loveless lustless loverless lover.

I hate that its come to this.
Blogging again like that shadow in the past.
But I need to see my thoughts before me in print. Thoughts are just thoughts, mine are usually too fleeting to deface paper with. Not permanent enough to waste ink. Its alot easier to backspace than make a mess scribbling out.

I can't tell anyone anything. Everyone has problems of there own, we are all busy in our lives. As far as problems go mine are insignificant. I don't want to cause fuss and enlargen the circles of despair and worry. So hopefully it will be safe here.

I am lonely.

Which is ridiculous. I have a close family, a very sweet boyfriend and a group of friends I can't imagine life without. I've been mates with most of them for more than half my existance. But no matter who i'm with i constantly feel like I'm speaking another language. Like I have to keep topics shallow and distant or else all communication will cease. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not completely socially isolated and mostly it doesnt overly concern me. Sometimes it stuns me tho. Really kicks me in the face.

Last Monday was one of those days. I just couldnt function, couldnt talk, only could spend an hour at work before it all got too much, burst into tears on the bus home, would have slept for four days if things hadnt been so busy. This doesnt happen to me regularly, so nobody dare worry. And its not a spontaneous occurance, there were at least exernal factors that preceeded this melt down. Buts its got me worried. Its been nearly a week and I havent bounced back.

I want to be alone, I don't want anyone to see me.

You don't want to hear this, if you know me please dont feel any need to tiptoe.

coolibah