I hate that its come to this.
Blogging again like that shadow in the past.
But I need to see my thoughts before me in print. Thoughts are just thoughts, mine are usually too fleeting to deface paper with. Not permanent enough to waste ink. Its alot easier to backspace than make a mess scribbling out.
I can't tell anyone anything. Everyone has problems of there own, we are all busy in our lives. As far as problems go mine are insignificant. I don't want to cause fuss and enlargen the circles of despair and worry. So hopefully it will be safe here.
I am lonely.
Which is ridiculous. I have a close family, a very sweet boyfriend and a group of friends I can't imagine life without. I've been mates with most of them for more than half my existance. But no matter who i'm with i constantly feel like I'm speaking another language. Like I have to keep topics shallow and distant or else all communication will cease. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not completely socially isolated and mostly it doesnt overly concern me. Sometimes it stuns me tho. Really kicks me in the face.
Last Monday was one of those days. I just couldnt function, couldnt talk, only could spend an hour at work before it all got too much, burst into tears on the bus home, would have slept for four days if things hadnt been so busy. This doesnt happen to me regularly, so nobody dare worry. And its not a spontaneous occurance, there were at least exernal factors that preceeded this melt down. Buts its got me worried. Its been nearly a week and I havent bounced back.
I want to be alone, I don't want anyone to see me.
You don't want to hear this, if you know me please dont feel any need to tiptoe.
coolibah
Blogging again like that shadow in the past.
But I need to see my thoughts before me in print. Thoughts are just thoughts, mine are usually too fleeting to deface paper with. Not permanent enough to waste ink. Its alot easier to backspace than make a mess scribbling out.
I can't tell anyone anything. Everyone has problems of there own, we are all busy in our lives. As far as problems go mine are insignificant. I don't want to cause fuss and enlargen the circles of despair and worry. So hopefully it will be safe here.
I am lonely.
Which is ridiculous. I have a close family, a very sweet boyfriend and a group of friends I can't imagine life without. I've been mates with most of them for more than half my existance. But no matter who i'm with i constantly feel like I'm speaking another language. Like I have to keep topics shallow and distant or else all communication will cease. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not completely socially isolated and mostly it doesnt overly concern me. Sometimes it stuns me tho. Really kicks me in the face.
Last Monday was one of those days. I just couldnt function, couldnt talk, only could spend an hour at work before it all got too much, burst into tears on the bus home, would have slept for four days if things hadnt been so busy. This doesnt happen to me regularly, so nobody dare worry. And its not a spontaneous occurance, there were at least exernal factors that preceeded this melt down. Buts its got me worried. Its been nearly a week and I havent bounced back.
I want to be alone, I don't want anyone to see me.
You don't want to hear this, if you know me please dont feel any need to tiptoe.
coolibah
posted by Ribbons of Smog at 7:18 AM
1 Comments:
ha, tiptoe around YOU??
I wont worry ....to your face...until you tell me to worry. Meanwhile, I might, you know...call some people...make impotent gestures...idle comments like 'what shall we do about tani' :D.
Fuck loneliness is awful. In fact i think its one of the most awful of all awful feelings you can have. Trapped. And loneliness.
From my experience, I think that phrases such as "I'm here for you" and "call me if you need to" don't do much in the way of comfort, though they're there.
I can you offer this much though: I promise you I'll read.
Post a Comment
<< Home